There are many crazy, strange and freaky people to be seen in shooping centres. I work in a retail store in Metro Centre, Gateshead and have witnessed my fair share of weirdness. Below I’ve compiled an eye-spy list of 20 of the people you will likely see throughout the day in most centres.
RULES:
– One point each for spotting any of the weirdos listed below.
– No cheating, it’s just for fun.
– If you spot them all, let me know. – Good Luck!
1. The Uncontrolable Tantrum Kid
DIFFICULTY – 1/5
Easy to spot. You’ll hear it long before you see it. The sound is straight from the depths of hell and will chill you to your very soul. The tantrum is usually performed by a 3 year old demon that seemingly has no bones in it’s body, slumping to the ground, unable to take another single step. The despairing parent is left with two options (Now that a quick smack is frowned upon). They can either give in to all demands or simply drag the floppy legged squeeling monster along the mall by the arm.
2. The Fat Head Body Builder
DIFFICULTY – 2/5
No points for simply spotting a fit guy that just ‘works out’. This is the guy that’s a bit overweight but clearly thinks he’s the peak of physical fitness. Never seen in more than a vest and a pair of jogging pants. He will wander the centre with his arms hanging by his side as if he’s carrying invisible carpets. One of the defining features of Fat Head Body Builder is that he does not undertand a full body workout. It’s all about the arms. Leg day was most definitely skipped and it shows on these fat headed no knecked freaks.
3. The Pensioner With Ice Cream
DIFFICULTY – 3/5
For some inexplicable reason, old people seem to adore an ice cream. Despite the fact that it is clearly an outdoor summer treat, they will partake, in a mall, whatever the weather. Unfortunately they aren’t too supple. They will visibly strain at every lick looking like a tortoise that can’t quite reach it’s leafy treat. It’s almost painful to watch as they don’t quite have the eating pace to keep up with messy ice cream meltage.
4. The Guy That Wears Sunglasses Indoors
DIFFICULTY – 1/5
This guy is generally a self important gimp that has an ego larger than Jupiter. His clearly thinks he’s the height of cool and that everyone is looking at him as if he is someone important…. maybe a celebrity. In reality most are glaring at him in disbelief, thinking, what an absolute f###ing prick.
5. The Nude Coloured Leggings That actually Look Nude
DIFFICULTY – 5/5
Regular, common or garden, beige, brown or pink leggings do not count for this spot. Point only awarded if you actually have to take a double take thinking the wearer is actually semi nude. Usually the worst offenders of the nude leggings are the shapeless, overweight blobs that have never met a salad in their lives. Every lump, bump and fold is on show. Not an attractive sight.
6. The Head To Toe Colour Co-ordinator
DIFFICULTY – 3/5
No points awarded for people dressed in all black, grey or any other neutral colour. This is all about the kind of person that wants to stand out, but has no idea of complimentary colours and just go’s all out ‘block colour!’. Point awarded for connect 3 (co-ordinated shoes, trousers and top). Extra point for connect 4 (co-ordinated shoes, trousers, top and hat). *On men, matching trainers, tracksuit and cap is also a connect 4 for the win!
7. The “Hilarious” Fancy Dress
DIFFICULTY – 4/5
Everyone loves fancy dress, and everyone thinks those in fancy dress are hilarious. These are just two of the misconceptions that shopping centre fancy dress wearers suffer from. They aren’t dressed for any occassion, they are just dressed to, ‘be crazy and fun’ and ‘freak people out’. People in T-shirts on stag or hen do’s don’t count. Point only for the annoying twats that think they are being ‘really original, clever and zany’ (They aren’t). Biggest offender is the prick in the morph suit. Despite being entirely covered and annonymous, they are always the most extrovert, annoying c**ts you will need to avoid.
8. The Jaunty Angled Cap
DIFFICULTY – 1/5
One of the easiest on the list. This is the f##kwit that wasn’t given any training on how to wear a hat and hasn’t quite figured out the correct way yet. No points awarded for cap worn straight forwards or straight bachwards. This is for those that feel the need to go against any sort of functionality or aesthetic appeal and twist their cap to the most silly, ridiculous and uncomfortable position possible. Extra point awarded if the dick with the jaunty hat also still has the ugly round metalic sticker on the peak. (Extra, extra point if you can tell me a good rerason why the f### they feel the need to leave the sticker on their hat???)
9. The Head and Neck Tattoo and Piercing Freak
DIFFICULTY – 3/5
This, difficult to employ, individual has clearly made some bad decisions in their life. No points for simple eyebrow or nose studs. This is all about massive ear guaging and facial tattoos. From rock fan to prison escapee, the tattoo and piercing guy is . Please pity these people. Despite the overtly confident personas, they are all dead from regret inside.
10. The Arguing Couple
DIFFICULTY – 3/5
Everyone has seen this couple at some point. Sometimes they will scream and shout but all the more satisfying to see the couple argue without making a scene. Muted accusations and gritted teath threats can be amazingly entertaining to witness.
11. The Crotch Too Low/Pants too Visible Guy
DIFFICULTY – 2/5
Wearing your trousers low with the crotch by your knees, your arse hanging out the top and looking like you have shat your pants does NOT look in any way, shape or form ‘cool’.
There are two schools of thought on where this abomination of a look came from:
1- American gangsters got hand-me-downd from their older brothers. The more baggy the clothes, the bigger your brother…. therfore, don’t mess wi me bro.
2- In american prisons you wear you pants sticking to show that you are open for some… erm… special back door attention.
An easy point as teenagers are unaware how daft they look.
12. The Inappropriately Dressed Underaged Girl
DIFFICULTY – 3/5
It amazes me, when I see some of the outragiously slutty outfits that young teens seem to be allowed to wear. The parents of these children should be ashamed of themselves for letting their children out like that. During my times working in a shopping centre i’ve seen girls in ‘shorter than short’ shorts, see through tops, stockings, high heels, ‘belt like’ mini skirts and various combinations of them all. Put some fricking clothes on and have some dignity.
13. The Just Blatantly Adjusting My Junk Guy
DIFFICULTY – 4/5
As a male I do understand the need to sometimes adjust my gentleman bits occasionally. I won’t however do it in full view of everyone around me. The point is earned for the more blatent offender. The guy that reaches down his pants (usually jogging bottoms) and rumages around for a bit too long. Point only for ‘inside the pants’ adjusting, nothing for a simple nut grab.
14. The Weird Emo
DIFFICULTY – 2/5
Emo kids are everywhere these days but every so often you’ll encounter an uber emo. These are the extreme cases that even a regualar emo would avoid in a social situation. Not that emo’s have enough time for being social. Too much moping, crying, poetry and self harm to be getting on with. 😉
15. The Off Duty Santa
DIFFICULTY – 4/5
Santa only works one night a year. His slave elves do the hard work and he takes all the glory. Occasionally, he can be spotted… out of uniform, trying to blend in with the general public. The massive, bright white beard is a massive givaway though. Never approach this ‘secret santa’ as he will mark you down as naughty in his little book and you wont get any presents at christmas.
16. The Mobile Phone Zombie
DIFFICULTY – 2/5
This dickhead is a danger to themselves and others. All periferal information away from their phone is filtered out. These idiots will meander along a mall at a snails pace occasionally stopping or changing direction with no regard for anyone around them. Despite the fact that they will block, bump and obstuct regular, aware humans, they will never apologise for their idiotic behaviour. The best you ‘ll ever get is an incomprehensible zombie grunt or groan.
17. The Deluded Blatent Transvestite
DIFFICULTY – 5/5
The deluded obvious transvestite is an odd creature. Blatantly a possesor of trouser vegetables, but no one will ever point it out to them. Everyone has to play along with their extravagant game of dressy-up. Despite almost everyone pointing and sniggering, this poor fella is blissfully unaware that they are not fooling anyone. If the massive hands and adams apple aren’t enough of a givaway, surely the five o’clock shadow will be.
18. The Woman Shopping in Ridiculously High Heels
DIFFICULTY – 2/5
Five inches or shorter are nothing. We are talking full on, dangerous, stilt like, killer heels. The kind of heels a stripper would refuse to wear saying, ‘There’s no way I can walk in them!’. Shopping in flat shoes will hurt a normal person’s feet. How the f### do some people shop in their most outragious, crazy, high, sex shoes.
19. The Disgruntled Sales Assistant
DIFFICULTY – 1/5
Not at all difficult to spot. Within the first 2 or 3 shops you visit you will likely run into this abomonation of a creature. Most people are a bit miffed when they are at work but there is just something extra with this person. They won’t approach you and there is not a chance in hell you want to apprach them. If they do have to help in any way, or worse, take a sale, they will do the bare minimum to get you out of their face so they can go back to counting down the minutes till they get to go home to their miserable lives.
20. The Guy that Looks Like Jesus
DIFFICULTY – 5/5
Jesus has returned and he shops among us. He may have changed his clothes but the long lank hair and crap beard are unmistakable. He’s shopping for bargains, ‘cos jesus apparantly likes to save.
Good luck everyone and happy hunting. If you think of any blatent ommissions that you see in your centre, just comment below. I can already think of at least 10 more, but needed to keep the list down to a level that wouldn’t drive me mad.
Please leave comments or pass this on to anyone you know that works in retail. Thanks.
A is for Rebel AKA Alex Patterson 