Eye Spy – 20 People You’ll See In Every Shopping Centre

There are many crazy, strange and freaky people to be seen in shooping centres. I work in a retail store in Metro Centre, Gateshead and have witnessed my fair share of weirdness. Below I’ve compiled an eye-spy list of 20 of the people you will likely see throughout the day in most centres.

RULES:
– One point each for spotting any of the weirdos listed below.
– No cheating, it’s just for fun.
– If you spot them all, let me know. – Good Luck!


1. The Uncontrolable Tantrum Kid

child tantrum

DIFFICULTY – 1/5

Easy to spot. You’ll hear it long before you see it. The sound is straight from the depths of hell and will chill you to your very soul. The tantrum is usually performed by a 3 year old demon that seemingly has no bones in it’s body, slumping to the ground, unable to take another single step. The despairing parent is left with two options (Now that a quick smack is frowned upon). They can either give in to all demands or simply drag the floppy legged squeeling monster along the mall by the arm.


2. The Fat Head Body Builder

Fat Head Body Builder

DIFFICULTY – 2/5

No points for simply spotting a fit guy that just ‘works out’. This is the guy that’s a bit overweight but clearly thinks he’s the peak of physical fitness. Never seen in more than a vest and a pair of jogging pants. He will wander the centre with his arms hanging by his side as if he’s carrying invisible carpets. One of the defining features of Fat Head Body Builder is that he does not undertand a full body workout. It’s all about the arms. Leg day was most definitely skipped and it shows on these fat headed no knecked freaks.


3. The Pensioner With Ice Cream

old man ice cream

DIFFICULTY – 3/5

For some inexplicable reason, old people seem to adore an ice cream. Despite the fact that it is clearly an outdoor summer treat, they will partake, in a mall,  whatever the weather. Unfortunately they aren’t too supple. They will visibly strain at every lick looking like a tortoise that can’t quite reach it’s leafy treat. It’s almost painful to watch as they don’t quite have the eating pace to keep up with messy ice cream meltage.


4. The Guy That Wears Sunglasses Indoors

sunglasses inside

DIFFICULTY – 1/5

This guy is generally a self important gimp that has an ego larger than Jupiter. His clearly thinks he’s the height of cool and that everyone is looking at him as if he is someone important…. maybe a celebrity. In reality most are glaring at him in disbelief, thinking, what an absolute f###ing prick.


5. The Nude Coloured Leggings That actually Look Nude

nude leggings

DIFFICULTY – 5/5

Regular, common or garden, beige, brown or pink leggings do not count for this spot. Point only awarded  if you actually have to take a double take thinking the wearer is actually semi nude. Usually the worst offenders of the nude leggings are the shapeless, overweight blobs that have never met a salad in their lives. Every lump, bump and fold is on show. Not an attractive sight.


6. The Head To Toe Colour Co-ordinator

top to toe coordinated

DIFFICULTY – 3/5

No points awarded for people dressed in all black, grey or any other neutral colour. This is all about the kind of person that wants to stand out, but has no idea of complimentary colours and just go’s all out ‘block colour!’. Point awarded for connect 3 (co-ordinated shoes, trousers and top). Extra point for connect 4 (co-ordinated shoes, trousers, top and hat). *On men, matching trainers, tracksuit and cap is also a connect 4 for the win!


7. The “Hilarious” Fancy Dress

fancy dress

DIFFICULTY – 4/5

Everyone loves fancy dress, and everyone thinks those in fancy dress are hilarious. These are just two of the misconceptions that shopping centre fancy dress wearers suffer from. They aren’t dressed  for any occassion, they are just dressed to,  ‘be crazy and fun’ and ‘freak people out’. People in T-shirts on stag or hen do’s don’t count. Point only for the annoying twats that think they are being  ‘really original, clever and zany’ (They aren’t). Biggest offender is the prick in the morph suit. Despite being entirely covered and annonymous, they are always the most extrovert, annoying c**ts you will need to avoid.


8. The Jaunty Angled Cap

jaunty 2

DIFFICULTY – 1/5

One of the easiest on the list. This is the f##kwit that wasn’t given any training on how to wear a hat and hasn’t quite figured out the correct way yet. No points awarded for cap worn straight forwards or straight bachwards. This is for those that feel the need to go against any sort of functionality or aesthetic appeal and twist their cap to the most silly, ridiculous and uncomfortable position possible. Extra point awarded if the dick with the jaunty hat also still has the ugly round metalic sticker on the peak. (Extra, extra point if you can tell me a good rerason why the f### they feel the need to leave the sticker on their hat???)


9. The Head and Neck Tattoo and Piercing Freak

face tattoo

DIFFICULTY – 3/5

This, difficult to employ, individual has clearly made some bad decisions in their life. No points for simple eyebrow or nose studs. This is all about massive ear guaging and facial tattoos. From rock fan to prison escapee, the tattoo and piercing guy is . Please pity these people. Despite the overtly confident personas, they are all dead from regret inside.


10. The Arguing Couple

arguing couple

DIFFICULTY – 3/5

Everyone has seen this couple at some point. Sometimes they will scream and shout but all the more satisfying to see the couple argue without making a scene. Muted accusations and gritted teath threats can be amazingly entertaining to witness.


11. The Crotch Too Low/Pants too Visible Guy

pants

DIFFICULTY – 2/5

Wearing your trousers low with the crotch by your knees, your arse hanging out the top and looking like you have shat your pants does NOT look in any way, shape or form ‘cool’.

There are two schools of thought on where this abomination of a look came from:

1- American gangsters got hand-me-downd from their older brothers. The more baggy the clothes, the bigger your brother…. therfore, don’t mess wi me bro.

2- In american prisons you wear you pants sticking to show that you are open for some… erm… special back door attention.

An easy point as teenagers are unaware how daft they look.


12. The Inappropriately Dressed Underaged Girl

innapropriate teen

DIFFICULTY – 3/5

It amazes me, when I see some of the outragiously slutty outfits that young teens seem to be allowed to wear. The parents of these children should be ashamed of themselves for letting their children out like that. During my times working in a shopping centre i’ve seen girls in  ‘shorter than short’ shorts, see through tops, stockings, high heels, ‘belt like’ mini skirts and various combinations of them all. Put some fricking clothes on and have some dignity.


13. The Just Blatantly Adjusting My Junk Guy

crotch grab

DIFFICULTY – 4/5

As a male I do understand the need to sometimes adjust my gentleman bits occasionally. I won’t however do it in full view of everyone around me. The point is earned for the more blatent offender. The guy that reaches down his pants (usually jogging bottoms) and rumages around for a bit too long. Point only for ‘inside the pants’ adjusting, nothing for a simple nut grab.


14. The Weird Emo

emo

DIFFICULTY – 2/5

Emo kids are everywhere these days but every so often you’ll encounter an uber emo. These are the extreme cases that even a regualar emo would avoid in a social situation. Not that emo’s have enough time for being social. Too much moping, crying, poetry and self harm to be getting on with. 😉


15. The Off Duty Santa

santa

DIFFICULTY – 4/5

Santa only works one night a year. His slave elves do the hard work and he takes all the glory. Occasionally, he can be spotted… out of uniform, trying to blend in with the general public. The massive, bright white beard is a massive givaway though. Never approach this ‘secret santa’  as he will mark you down as naughty in his little book and you wont get any presents at christmas.


16. The Mobile Phone Zombie

phone zombie

DIFFICULTY – 2/5

This dickhead is a danger to themselves and others. All periferal information away from their phone is filtered out. These idiots will meander along a mall at a snails pace occasionally stopping or changing direction with no regard for anyone around them. Despite the fact that they will block, bump and obstuct regular, aware humans, they will never apologise for their idiotic behaviour. The best you ‘ll ever get is an incomprehensible zombie grunt or groan.


17. The Deluded Blatent Transvestite

trannys

DIFFICULTY – 5/5

The deluded obvious transvestite is an odd creature. Blatantly a possesor of trouser vegetables, but no one will ever point it out to them. Everyone has to play along with their extravagant game of dressy-up. Despite almost everyone pointing and sniggering, this poor fella is blissfully unaware that they are not fooling anyone. If the massive hands and adams apple aren’t enough of a givaway, surely the five o’clock shadow will be.


18. The Woman Shopping in Ridiculously High Heels

high heels

DIFFICULTY – 2/5

Five inches or shorter are nothing. We are talking full on, dangerous, stilt like, killer heels. The kind of heels a stripper would refuse to wear saying, ‘There’s no way I can walk in them!’. Shopping in flat shoes will hurt a normal person’s feet. How the f### do some people shop in their most outragious, crazy, high, sex shoes.


19. The Disgruntled Sales Assistant

staff

DIFFICULTY – 1/5

Not at all difficult to spot. Within the first 2 or 3 shops you visit you will likely run into this abomonation of a creature. Most people are a bit miffed when they are at work but there is just something extra with this person. They won’t approach you and there is not a chance in hell you want to apprach them. If they do have to help in any way, or worse, take a sale, they will do the bare minimum to get you out of their face so they can go back to counting down the minutes till they get to go home to their miserable lives.


20. The Guy that Looks Like Jesus

jesus

DIFFICULTY – 5/5

Jesus has returned and he shops among us. He may have changed his clothes but the long lank hair and crap beard are unmistakable. He’s shopping for bargains, ‘cos jesus apparantly likes to save.


Good luck everyone and happy hunting. If you think of any blatent ommissions that you see in your centre, just comment below. I can already think of at least 10 more, but needed to keep the list down to a level that wouldn’t drive me mad.

Please leave comments or pass this on to anyone you know that works in retail. Thanks.

Question Everything???

Question Everything
Question Everything

Simple minimalist art depicting my one rule in life that i will not break. Question Everything! Look carefully, it’s a Q and an E. By questioning everything you can avoid so many of lifes pitfalls and prevent yourself becoming just another consumerist sheep.

Below are a few of my views and how i question them (Not everyone will agree… and thats good).

NEWS/MEDIA
If you believe everything that the news tells you, you will likely become a nervous wreck. Good news does not sell. Sensationalism sells! News reports generally have an ‘angle’ that has been simplified so the (dumb) masses understand. Before you react to what you see, try to consider some of the other angles. Even the most horendous things that happen in the world have more aspects than what a reporter will tell you. Look at all the facts and make your own, considered opinion.

FASHION
Yes, it’s pretty… sometimes. But do you really need to change everything you own to keep up with trends or are you being affected by magazines, advertising and friends?

POLITICS
I don’t trust any politician, from any party. I don’t believe that they ever make any real difference. Promises are made to get into power and when in power they are almost never followed through. No long term workable plans will ever be put into practice as they are not immediately quantifiable. Goals in politics are all short term as a party may not be in power long enough to take credit for any long term successes. When a politician pushes an idea, just stop and consider why he is saying what he is saying. Is he trying to be popular, contrare to other parties, or are they just trying to improve their own personal profile?

ADVERTISING & CONSUMERISM
A big hate in my life is advertising. It is just in your face, all the time trying to make you feel bad about yoursel unless you have the latest things or look a certain way. Adverts are not entertainment, they are offensive and intrusive and only there to make you spend your hard earned.  All special offers are still heavilly weighted in favour of the seller. Buying something because its on special offer is only a bargain if you were going to buy it anyway. If you bought it because it was on special, you fell for their tricks, hook line and sinker. Pause and consider, do i really need this outfit?/CD?/game?/DVD?/go large? or am i just buying it ‘because’?

COMIC SANSQuestion why any person or establishment would use such an ugly typeface. It has no place in civilized society.

RELIGION
I have looked into religion in some depth and have not seen one shred of evidence that there is any truth in an all seeing God or gods. To follow a religion you basically have whole heartedly accept an undeniable truth of which there is no proof. Looking at facts, religion has caused more wars, destroyed more history and held back the advancement of the human race by hundreds, if not thousands of years.
Just to avoid any confusion, religion has nothing to do with morals. Morals can be taught without trying to instill fear in a person. Preaching religion as far as i can see is preaching fear. That fear is intended to control and manipulate the weak minded.

PEOPLE AND RACE
All people are equal. No one is better than anyone else. Your validity and importance in life should not come down to rank, job title, colour, education or religion. People are basically the same, where ever they are from and whatever they do. Question what you have been taught, without prejudous, and that is the only real conclusion.

Okay, i may have gone a little deep there, and I fully understand that you, as the reader, will not agree with everything i have written. That is a good thing.

Question Everything…. and make your ‘OWN’ considered opinions.

Comments welcome.

Amsterdam Trip

tulip

Had a little weekend trip to Amsterdam. Great place, lots of canals and bikes. The images in this post are inspired in one way or another from two days of wandering the canals, drinking beer and absorbing an amazing city. Above image, simplified Dutch tulip.

Amsterdam Bike

Can’t escape bikes in Amsterdam. They are absolutely everywhere. I made it a bit of a challenge to be somewhere in the city and not have a bike in view….. Failed!

Dutch Windmills

The 3 X’s are liberally dotted around the city. I originally thought they were a reference to the red light district. With a little more consideration I realised that they were reflective of Dutch windmills. Obvious really. (edit: aparently not all that obvious. Have been reliably informed that the 3 crosses represent the 3 dangers of amsterdam; floods, fire and black death. – Thanks Lena.)

Amsterdam Red Light District

The above image is inspired by the red light district. (Not very subtle) Amsterdam prostitutes are stunning. Definitely worth window shopping.

Dutch Courage

Way too much ‘Dutch Courage’ was consumed in the two days I was in the City. My liver is not my friend this week.

Amsterdam Streets

One thing I found with Amsterdam is how difficult it is to navigate. A series of roads loop around the centre. If you follow a road you end up pretty much where you started. Very confusing indeed. It doesn’t help that everywhere looks similar – Narrow buildings, canal, bikes.

windmill2

The above image is my interpretation of the Amsterdam. The image is an amalgamation of the movement of a bike wheel incorprating the four sails of a Dutch windmill.

Buttplug

Above image –  Paper Weight. 🙂 …… It’s a long story.

Amsterdam Canabis

Above – Coffee Shop.

Although we didn’t sample the local canabis, it’s influence is everywhere.

Amsterdam Red Light District

Image above is again a reference to the red light district and one of the funniest things i’ve ever seen. It is however, a tale for another day.

All in all a great trip in a beautiful, cosmopolitan city. The perception is that drugs and prostitutes are all this city is about. Nothing could be further from the truth, It has so much more to offer. From quirky art shops, galleries, canals, and bikes: there just wasn’t enough time to take it all in this time, but i’m certain i’ll visit again soon.

R2D2 minamilist art

R2D2 minamilist art

R2D2 minamilist art by Alex Patterson

R2D2 is possibly one of, if not ‘the’ cutest Star Wars character to date (That includes ewoks). I created my R2D2 art restrained to a square so i could concentrate on giving the impression of R2 without using an obvious outline shape. I am considering ordering this as a personalised vinyl sticker set to go onto my fridge. If I get round to this I will post images.

I have created many more Star Wars, Doctor Who, Star Trek etc… artworks with the same, ‘limited by square’ aesthetic. I will be posting these at a later date.

If there is positive feedback on these pieces I will likely consider releasing them as prints or as part of a furnishing product I’m working on. At the moment I sell personalised Soundwave art at my web store, http://www.monowaveart.co.uk

Please reblog this image if you like it. It will encourage me to create more. If you have any requests for geeky art, just send me a message and i’ll see what i can do.

EDIT-Prints, cusions and phone cases now available on my Society6 page – CLICK HERE

London Panorama

london pano

London Panorama

Absolutely mind-blowing panoramic image of London taken over 3 days from BT Tower. Follow the link where you can pan and zoom in up to 3 miles.

Panarama was compiled from 48,640 individual frames. The 320gigapixel image took a supercomputer 3 months to process and stitch together.

The 320 gigapixel image from the top of the BT Tower in London. Taken by Jeffrey Martin, Holger Schulze and Tom Mills, comprises 48,640 individual frames which have been collated into a single panorama by a supercomputer.

Seriously, just go to http://www.btlondon2012.co.uk/pano.html and check it out. So much zoom-ability, it’s scary.

london pano2